It takes two to tango. So why do so many people put off filing for divorce or getting up from the table of marital counseling and decide that enough is enough. Why are so many people so afraid to be honest that they don’t love their spouse any more, that they aren’t happy in a relationship? Isn’t doing so, often about standing up for yourself and taking control of your happiness? Many people hold onto the fears that divorce marks them as a failure in life – or start referring to their marriages as ‘failed’ when in truth, divorce does not mean you are a failure.
According to statistics, around half of all people that have been married for over 5 years are in an unhappy marriage. Many of these people stay for a host of reasons. And according to further statistics, around half of all marriages end in divorce. Because divorce is so common, it is easy to see that divorce is not a personal failure – or even a personality flow. But something that happens between two people over time. In fact, there are plenty of good reasons to get divorce – the pursuit of your personal happiness one of those things. And many people find that letting go of an unhappy relationship is a normal part of transitionary phase in life.
IF you are thinking about or facing a divorce, it is especially important to look at the divorce as a time of change. To look at it as a beginning rather than an end. Just because two people get divorced doesn’t mean that everything they shared together including the happy times, was all for not. According to specialists, one extremely positive way to look at divorce is to see it as an opportunity for change and growth. They also agree that remembering the good times, while not romanticizing them is an extremely useful way to get through the wide range of emotions that you may feel.
Another important aspect of realizing that divorce is not a failure is to not get stuck in a rut of placing blame. What often causes divorce to be such a retched thing is that people partake in the blame game, wanting to be able to point the metaphorical finger at their partner. If they can somehow pin the failure or lack on them, then they can feel as though they aren’t the ones that failed. This is one reason that so many couples who have little to save, who no longer love each other - spend endless hours in counseling. They want to have the comfortable feeling that they tried their best and to be able to feel confident that they are not a failure because of the split.
Consider this for a moment. If you have been working for a company for a long period of time and things aren’t working out well for you – do you consider quitting? In other aspects of your life when you are faced with unhappy feelings – do you simply accept them as part of your fate? If your child, your sibling, or someone else you loved had to make a choice between their own happiness and divorce, what would you advise them to do? At some point, it is only natural and fair to you to let go of preconceived notions, to stop worrying about what other people think and to take control of your life realizing that while disappointing in many respects, divorce is certainly not a personal failure.
Marriage is a tough state to live in. Very few people today make it through. One of the reasons that so many people in past decades have endured unhappy marriages and made a commitment to their vows is because the societal perception of divorce was so negative. Today, nobody necessarily sets out in a marriage with the assumption that if things don’t work out they can simply file for divorce. But should that happen, it isn’t seen as a damning situation for the people involved. In fact, in the aftermath of divorce many people are able to realize their dreams, to become better parents, to find healthier and happier relationships and to put an end to a cycle of unhappiness that has been plaguing them. For many people bound by marriage without love or respect, divorce offers freedom. Divorce can also help make two people who were not compatible lovers learn how to evolve as friends and to rediscover things that they find mutually pleasing about one another.
Remember, it takes two to tango. A relationship that doesn’t work out is the food that love songs have been made of for decades upon decades. You simply fell out of love. You simply realized that the two of you are no longer compatible. You made the decision that paying attention to your own happiness, was more important than conforming to a silent societal rule of what is acceptable. You decided to be honest with yourself, and your partner (or vice versa) and make your life worth living.
Divorce is not a personal failure of any sorts. Sure, there are things to be learnt and lessons to be gained. You have a choice to either take away the insights to use down the road in your life or not. However, if you are reeling with the fact that you think you have failed simply because your marriage didn’t work out in the way you imagined – you are simply selling yourself…and your life short.