"Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film."

Fred was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was REALLY angry.

She told him, "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a
gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6
seconds AND IT BETTER BETHERE!!!"
 
The next morning Fred got up early and left for work. When
his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough
there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put onher robe and ran out to the
driveway, and brought the box back in thehouse. She opened
it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Fred has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.  

Here's one our pastor told during a sermon:

"My husband has bought me a mood ring so that he can always know what mood I am in. When I am happy, the gemstone in the ring is green. And when I am mad, there is a red spot exactly the same shape as the gemstone right in the middle of my husband's forehead."

I liked the new definitions.  Keep it up.

Here's my contribution:

"A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's - that's because she changes it more often." (Oliver Herford).

And here's another quote from Woody Allen:

"My love life is terrible.  The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty."

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

"Their eldest son was such a disappointment to them; they wanted him to be a linguist, and spent no end of money on having him taught to speak - oh, dozens of languages!  And then he became a Trappist Monk.

I've got more: 

"Man is not born free, he is attached to his mother by a cord and is not capable of looking after himself for at least seven years (seventy in some cases)." (Katharine Whitehorn). 

Sorry guys.

"The baby is fine.  The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson." (Woody Allen) 

"Isn't it funny how everyone in favor of abortion has already been born?" (Patrick Murray). 

"I love mankind - it's people I can't stand." (Charles Schultz) 

"Dear Reader's Digest:  we hardly know each other, yet I have been selected from so many millions to enter your free contest in which I may win $38,000.  You have made me very happy." (Miles Kington)

"Statistics indicate that as a result of overwork, modern executives are dropping like flies on the nation's golf courses." (Ira Wallach)

They hired him because he was so funny.....


NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION:  Company's President or Vice President.  But seriously, whatever's available.   If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place ?

DESIRED SALARY:  $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package.  If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:  Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY:  A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:  My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:  Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:  1:30-3:30 p.m . Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:  Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:  If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:  Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:  I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?:  On the job - no!  
                             On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread  
Actually, I'd like to be doing that now

NEAREST RELATIVE.7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?:  Oh yes, absolutely. 

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see       over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.'

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!' 

Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?'

Here's one from Phyllis Diller (remember her?)

"We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next 12 years telling them to sit down and shut up."

"When you're bored with yourself, marry, and be bored with somebody else." (David Pryce-Jones)

"Probably the only place where a man can feel really secure is in a maximum security prison, except for the imminent threat of release."  (Germaine Greer)

Or invent one from your fertile imagination!

Jesus Loves you But I don't

Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth I'm Kissing you Goodbye          John Denver, believe it or not!  True.

My favorite verse because I definitely don't do windows!

 I'm pretty good at drinkin' beer:

I aint much for mowin thick grass
I'm too slow for workin' too fast
I don't do windows so honey don't ask
But I'm pretty good at drinkin' beer

Ha, can we relate?

How 'bout, "I'm gonna hire a wino to decorate our house"

"I'm gonna' hire a wino to decorate our home,
"So you'll feel more at ease here, and you won't have to roam.
"We'll take out the dining room table, and put a bar along that wall.
"And a neon sign, to point the way, to our bathroom down the hall."
 

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