I have a name (Crystal) that was, at one time, considered unusual. As a child, I was not particularly fond of it. It seemed weird. It invited comments about “crystal chandeliers” and it was always, always being misspelled. I longed for a “normal” name like Michelle or Lisa.
As I grew older I began to appreciate the unique nature of my name, but made a promise to myself that if I ever had children, I would not give them names that would make them the butt of every schoolyard joke or force them to endure the scrunched-up faces of strangers asking “What kind of name is that?”
When parenthood approached I, like all expectant parents, believed that my little bundle of joy would be a truly exceptional human being. A name that was merely ordinary seemed out of the question. I pored over baby name books trying to find a name that was uncommon, but not strange.
It is this desire for uniqueness, shared by all parents, that has produced some peculiar trends in baby names. Among the more recent is the “place name as first name” fad, which has given us appellations like Dakota, Boston, Indiana, Malaysia, Montana and the seriously scary Graceland. The lifestyles of the rich and famous have given us names like Diamond, Tiara and Cadillac (but not Mercedes, which is based on the Spanish word for “merry”). The progenitors of the weird baby name were the so-called flower children, who favored names like Rainbow, Star and Sunshine.
Of course, when it comes to truly bizarre names, there is no match for the monikers celebrities foist on their unfortunate offspring. The most infamous of late have been Suri (Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes), Shiloh (Brad and Angelina), Shepherd (Jerry Seinfeld) and Hazel and Phinnaeus (Julia Roberts). Add to that list Apple (Gwyneth Paltrow), Kingston (Gwen Stefani) and Banjo (Rachel Griffiths). Nicolas Cage named his child Kal-el, after the Kryptonian name of Superman. And, in the running for the weirdest name ever, it would be hard to top Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee) and Moxie Crimefighter (Penn Jillette of Penn & Teller). Other recent celebrity names include Heaven Rain, Puma, Alabama, Crew, Lyric and Poet.
Parents who are too shy to pick a name that is really out there may opt instead for an unusual spelling. We went this route with our children, but kept ourselves in check. When naming our second son, we decided to bypass the traditional spelling “Elliott”, instead choosing “Eliot”. We considered “Elyot” and “Elyott” a bit too far removed from the original. That is one of the problems with alternate spellings: they often render a name virtually unrecognizable. Take as examples names like Alyxx, Dayssy, Fayth, Jawn, Patients, Skot and Wyllyam. And some are just plain goofy, like Alexuz, Ssamuel and Sirrenitie.
Parents who run out of ideas for spelling have sometimes decided to replace letters with apostrophes. The writer of a blog devoted to baby names calls this “apostrophe abuse”. Examples include A’Laysyn, D’Kota, Cam’Ron and Da’neyelle.
Other examples abound of names that are a little too unique. Ninja Maddox, Snowy Dawn, Thursday and Peanut are just a few of them.
In their quest for a name that is unconventional, many parents end up with something that is really just odd. To them I say, before signing that birth registration form, step back. Picture your child graduating from university, summa cum laude. Picture yourself beaming with pride. Picture the name Peanut on the degree. Now ask yourself, is this really the name I want for my child?